Episode Transcript
Peter Green: Welcome to the Humanizing Work Show. I'm Peter Green. Last month I was just simmering with frustration. I was working with a leader on a community project, something I enjoy doing and have done successfully many times in the past. But this time, with this leader, I felt micromanaged, talked over, like my ideas and feedback were largely ignored.
At the same time, this leader would frequently give me incorrect details. They would go silent for days at a time when I'd ask for help, and then they'd jump back in demanding to see progress, often asking why I hadn't done certain things that he'd never actually asked me to do. Things that, as far as I could tell, didn't have any real impact on the outcome of the project.
Now, I'm not gonna go into all of the details for two reasons. First, I don't want anyone trying to guess who this leader is. But more importantly, the details don't really matter. Because I'm sure every one of us has felt this kind of frustration with a boss, an executive, or maybe a teammate before.
At the peak of my frustration, I was ready to go over this leader's head, try to get him reprimanded or removed from the project. If none of that worked, I was considering even leaving the organization. At a minimum, once the project was completed, I was preparing to have a very frank conversation about how he was showing up in his role.
I was mentally logging all of the misdeeds that I was suffering, rehearsing in them in my mind to make sure I could communicate clearly what he was doing wrong and make the case that he should change.
With a few weeks ago before the project was complete, I was at a boiling point. And then I had an experience that completely changed my perspective on these kind of situations.
I'm usually a pretty even keeled person. I don't get rattled very easily, and I didn't like that feeling of constant simmering frustration and anger. I've already shared all of the options I'd considered, but none of those seemed likely to produce good results, at least in the short term, and maybe not in the long term either.
And so I turned to my most frequent spiritual practice, which for me is meditation and prayer. You might have different modalities to get centered and clear, but that's what's worked well for me historically. And as I prayed about this situation and meditated on my options, a very clear idea popped into my head. Invite the leader out to lunch.
Well, despite that feeling a bit like maybe giving up or giving in, I've learned to trust those ideas when I'm in that state. And so I did. I invited the leader to lunch.
And they were very appreciative. We sat down for a good meal and I asked about his family, a bit about his life history. I shared some of mine. And by the end of the meal, an interesting thing happened. I couldn't remember the details of why I was so frustrated.
These are details that I'd rehearsed. They were crystal clear to me, just an hour or two before the lunch. But when I tried to share the experience later that evening with my wife, I could no longer remember all of the misdeeds and terrible acts that I was ready to document and prosecute for.
All the details had just melted away, and I was left with a small budding connection with another human who was trying to do his best, doing it imperfectly like all of us. Doing it differently from how I would do it or how I would coach a client to do it. But once the anger was gone, I could focus on the outcome, and that turned out really good for this project.
At my age, I often think, well, I've probably mostly figured things out about how the world works, how to show up, who I am, and what I'm capable of. Like all of you, I've learned lots of big lessons, many of which I've shared here, and it can feel like I mostly am who I am.
So it's been a little bit humbling, but also kind of exciting and energizing, to have an experience like this. It's taught me that I'm not done. I'm still chipping away at things. And every once in a while, if I stay at it, I'm gonna find a nice new, chunky corner of myself to refine.
The experience also reminded me that the things that matter are not so much the right process, or the right technique, or the most effective leadership approach. Those things are all important, but I was reminded that what matters most is human connection.
As hokey or as trite as that sounds, once I focused on human connection, everything else fell into place. All of my uncomfortable emotions vanished, like so much fog in the presence of warm sunlight.
All of the ruminating and venting I had done? Well, that was just reinforcing a story in my head that I'm right, he's wrong, and he should change. At the time, I was gearing up to use all of my credentials, my influence, my negotiating skills, every tool I could bring to bear to try to make him change. It felt like a heavy lift, but one that in this narrative would be heroic for everyone else that he came into contact with in the future.
As it turns out, the real heroic act was letting go of my own ego, putting aside my made up stories about who he is, who I am, what his intent and capability are, and getting curious enough to learn who this person really was and what he cared about. What motivated him, what were his goals, what mattered in his life?
And then a new question started to emerge, how can I be of service to those goals? And that led led me to wanna stay connected to him rather than to avoid him. It no longer felt like I'm on one side, he's on the other, and I'm building my case to go to war. It felt like we were on the same team. Imperfect people doing our best to create outcomes that matter.
If you're frustrated with someone, a boss, a coworker, a peer in a community group, or a partner, and you find yourself ruminating on their misdeeds or venting to a trusted friend about all of their weaknesses, beware that you might just be entrenching a story that at best is only partially true.
For me, it took my spiritual practice of prayer and meditation to realize that my planned approach wouldn't serve me, it wouldn't serve him, and it wouldn't serve the project. And then instead, I should just commit a simple act of service and connection.
In my head, that idea of extending that invitation felt shocking at the time. It was the opposite of the direction I was headed. And I'm so grateful I chose to do it anyway.
Whatever your spiritual or mindfulness practice is, use it to consider how you can develop a connection to the one you're frustrated with. I am not suggesting that you shouldn't have clear boundaries if someone's harming you. That's a different category of situation you need to get safe.
I am talking about the hundreds of other interactions we have where we may feel frustrated, or undervalued, or overlooked. Where the only real damage being done is to our ego, or our sense of fairness, or a desire for autonomy. A leader in my wisdom tradition has said that "our happiness has little to do with the circumstances of our lives and everything to do with the focus of our lives."
This is my invitation to you to do something shocking. Let the anger go, reach out, commit a small active service, create some real human connection, and see if the anger doesn't melt a little bit. See if you don't have new ideas for how to move forward.
With the level of division in our world today, it's much needed. If you decide to do it, I thank you for doing your part to heal that division, one small act of kindness at a time.
Thanks for tuning in and we'll see you next time on the Humanizing Work Show.
